Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine?
→ It depends on the age.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Lumberjack Barbie ...sleeps all night, works all day

• Both look stupid in hats.
• Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
• Both tend to have "hip" problems.
• Neither understand football.
• Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
• Neither believe that silence is golden.
• Both constantly want back rubs.
• Neither can balance a checkbook.
• You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
• Both put too much value on kissing.

How Women Are Better Than Dogs

• It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
• Women look good in sweaters.

What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
→ Lipstick

A man and a woman were in 2 different cars. The man was going up the mountainside. The woman was going down the mountainside. Then the woman yells out - "Pig!". The man then yells back - "Hoe!" They both continue on, until the man smashes his car into a pig!

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Bike helmets. They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Copiers. You need them in reproduction but that's about it.

Lava lamps. Fun to look at it but not all that bright.

Bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Curling irons. They're always hot and always in your hair.

Mini skirts. If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

Handguns. Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

Floor tiles. Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

On her annual visit to another planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward and says, "I hope this spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound."
"Why?" replies the cabin steward.
"Because my friend and I want to talk, that's why."

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.
20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.