Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another:

- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

- Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Avalanche Barbie ...buried in 16 feet of snow

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said:

- Adam, come over here and sit down!.

And Adam did so.

- Adam - spoke the Creator:

- I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely.

Adam said nothing in response.

- So - continued the Lord:

- I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!

Adam just looked puzzled but interested.

- This person - said the Lord:

- will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes.

Adam looked grateful.

- This person - said the Lord:

- will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks.

Adam looked thoughtful.

- This person - emphasized the Lord:

- will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!

Adam really looked relieved.

- And, lastly - said the Lord:

- She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness.

Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

- O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?

- An arm and a leg - said the Almighty.

- Well - Adam then said:

- What can I get for a rib?

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Tonya Harding Barbie ...you didn't think we'd sell one without the other, did you?

What do a tampon and an Old Southern Debutant have in common?
→ They're both stuck up cunts!!

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess:

- I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

- One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying:

- I don't think so.

17. "I finished the Oreo's."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
27. "Get your own ice cream."
28. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
29. "Got milk?"
30. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
31. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
32. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."