Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
→ Because all those men already have boyfriends.

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
→ They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
→ Not one will stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show he is planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ The bonds eventually mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
→ They already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
→ A widow.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Why did the man cross the road?
→ He heard the chicken was a slut.

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System

Substance: Woman
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS:

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal

What do men and women have in common?
→ They both distrust men.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Junkie Barbie ...complete with needle tracks

- What kind of sharks never eat women?

- Man-eating sharks.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers...

The questions are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: A. I suppose so. B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? C. That depends on what you mean by love. D. Does it matter? E. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: A. Compared to what? B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. C. A little extra weight looks good on you. D. I've seen fatter. E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: A. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

- Woman: Would you get married again?

- Man: Definitely not!

- W: Why not, don't you like being married?

- M: Of course I do.

- W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

- M: Okay, I'd get married again.

- W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

- M: Yes, I would.

- W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

- M: Where else would we sleep?

- W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

- M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

- W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

- M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.