Random joke from this category
Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, finish off the stations!"
The following is supposedly a true story relating to a United States shipping company.
THE U.S. shipping company had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place.
Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon.
It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812.
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish. That's three wishes total," said the genie.
The Canadian said, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the genie's eye, POOF the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, POOF there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
George W. Bush, said, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water."
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.
Among the brothers:
Among the sisters:
More will, no doubt, be discovered...including A.A. Sidday, Oz weekend TV Host.
A Jewish man has just won the lottery and invites his family to a dinner. He then stands up to thank everyone.
"First I must thank my beautiful wife for her help and support, then I want to thank my children, and the lottery commission."
"Then I would like to thank Adolf Hitler". Suddenly everyone was silent as he showed some numbers tatooed on his forearm and said, "For the winning numbers".
Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp."
Patrick says, "that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick replies, "no, he fell out of the machine gun tower."
The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British Soldiers to insult the colonialists (which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).
Two GIs in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit.
- I can't go in here, it's really going to stink.
- There's another trench over there.
- I'll cover you with the M60... just give me a shout and I'll cover you so you can get back.
- OK.
So the GI runs across while the other fires off the machine gun.
He's waiting 10 minutes... 15... 20... he shouts out, "Are you OK?"... nothing.
Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting.
"Cover me, I'm coming back!"
When he jumps back in, his mate says, "Where the fuck have you been? You've been gone for over an hour."
"Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her tits, fondled her arse, turned her round and fucked her from behind!"
"It was great!"
"You lucky bastard," said the other. "Did you get a blow job?"
"Nah," said the other, disappointedly. "She didn't have a head."
What do pub landlords say in Kosovo at chucking out time?
→ "Come on you lot, have you not got any homes to go to?"
This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and living in South America. He managed to wrangle a 'once-in-a-lifetime' interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where Hitler was living. He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it was Adolf Hitler, looking very old. He interviewed him, asking him all sorts of questions, and as a final question, asked "What are you doing now, in the twilight of your life?"
Hitler replied "Hah! Twilight of my life! I'll have you know that I am secretly putting together the 4th Reich, right here in South America! This time we'll do it right. We have a foolproof plan - this time we will kill EVERY JEW in the world - and 6 MEXICANS!!!"
The journalist asked "...but...but....but why 6 MEXICANS??"
Hitler jumped to his feet and yelled "SEE, I TOLD THEM THAT NO-ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE JEWS!"
