Situations — most viewed jokes

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700
VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK + BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy:

- I've got another dress for you to clean.

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies:

- Come again?

- No - says Monica.

- Mustard!

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police."
In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey: "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance."
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."
While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a sign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read "Now hiring."
At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises, bonses and promotions."
SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at:
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED

Two old guys were fishing in a boat on Lake Michigan. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out.

A genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says:

- You get one wish between the two of you--make it a good one.

The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy.

- Lemme handle this--I know just what to ask for!

He looks at the genie and says:

- We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!

The genie nods and says:

- You got it, boys!

And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out:

- You idiot! Why the heck did you do that?

- Whadaya talking about? - the other fisherman answers.

- I thought you'd like a lake-full of beer. What's the problem?

- I do like it...but the problem is...now we gotta piss in the boat!!!!

Why do we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?

What do you call a witch at the beach?

- I don't know?

- A sand-witch!

A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads:

- pull lever and end world.

The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.

One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He is very drunk and is just about to hit the lever when he flies off of the road and explodes.

The headlines in the newspaper the next day all read...:

- better Nate than Lever!

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

- Come with me - said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

- Wow, thank you - said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

- Wait, I think you are a little mixed up - said the priest.

- Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.

- Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!