Situations — most viewed jokes

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket:

- For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Sign at fast-food place:

- PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!

Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

- Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop:

- Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Sign from the Soviet Weekly:

- There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

Sign in an East African newspaper:

- A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

Sign in a Vienna hotel:

- In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

- Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second hiker says:

- What are you doing?

The first responds:

- I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it.

The second says:

- Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear?

The first guy says:

- I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!

A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location (a very rich area - expected around $200,000 in cash daily). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, "Where is my money." The man replied that he didn't know and said that he would find him. The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Big's office. Mr. Big said, "Where the fuck is my money?" The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said:

- What the fuck is this?

The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.

Mr. Big said:

- Do you know how to read sign language?

The man said, "No, but I'll find someone who can." He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same.

- Well - says Mr. Big.

- What did he say?

She says he said:

- Fuck You!

Mr. Big replied:

- You'd better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you.

The girl asks him again, "Where is the money?" and the man again replied in sign language. "What did he say this time?" asked Mr. Big.

He said, "Fuck You, again". With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, "If he doesn't tell me where my money is, I'll cut off his head and throw him in the river!"

She told this to the man and this time he answered, "It's under the front seat of my car", again in sign language. "Well," asked Mr. Big, "What did he say this time?"

She replied:

- He said Fuck You!

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals:

- Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!!!

Finally a store clerk approached.

- Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.

- Oh - replied the old guy - I'm not looking for Crisco, I'm calling my wife.

- Your wife is named Crisco?

- Nah - he answered - I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.

- Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?

- Lard Ass!

The cyclist, passing a pedestrian crossing, runs into a man, and they both fall down.

- Geez, are you lucky.

- What do you mean by lucky? I got hurt really bad.

- Ah, you're lucky because I recently lost my license. I usually drive a bus.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray:

- God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue.

- God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the synagogue.

- My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

- JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Forget about world peace...
Visualize using your turn signal.

WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.

PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?

DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.

Lead me not into temptation...
I can find it myself.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Smith looked out the window. He screamed:

- Good lord!

- one of the engines just caught fire!

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine caught fire on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.

There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached one of the packages to their backs.

- Say, aren't those parachutes? - an alert passenger spoke up.

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on:

- But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?

- There isn't - replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.

- We're going to get help.