Situations — most viewed jokes

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on a Norfolk farm:

- Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left.

Sign seen in London department store:

- Bargain Basement Upstairs

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station:

- Closed for official opening.

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator:

- Please leave your values at the front desk.

Sign in a hotel in Athens:

- Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel:

- The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Sign in a Japanese hotel:

- You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

- You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".

On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.
The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.
With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.
A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.
Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.
He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.
Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.
A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

- This bread is stale.

- It wasn't last week.

- Waiter, my lunch is talking to me!

- Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich!

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At a restaurant in New York:

- Tip-ing is not a city in China.

Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store:

- Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)

On a dock in Juneau, Alaska:

- Safety ladder, climb at own risk.

Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA:

- Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!

Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building:

- Run like Anything!

Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee):

- Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends.

Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist:

- Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care

Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX:

- Nobody reads billboards.... But you just did :)

- I'd like to buy a bed, please.

- Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?

- Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships:

- DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation:

- Belt your family. It's the law.

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula:

- Broken English spoken perfectly

At an Applebee's restaraunt:

- NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!

Fitness Center sign:

- Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts.

In restaurant:

- Open seven days a week and weekends.

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc:

- Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor.

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines:

- A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii:

- Caution: Nuts crossing road.

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.
So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

- What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? - asked the chief.

- Forget the damn lion! - he howled.

- Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?

Why, if the best things in life are free, the next-best things are so expensive?