Situations — most viewed jokes

And once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at the Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at 3.00 P.M. Remember that we prefer if you would use the back entrance.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place. A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal. Sorry, said Mullah, is it a member of your family?

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said:

- You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.

- What do you want me to do? - asked the sheriff.

- I don't care, just do something about those drivers!

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said:

- You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster.

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff:

- Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?

The sheriff told him:

- Sure thing, put up your own sign.

He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him:

- How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?

- Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy. - And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself:

- I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers.

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming?
→ He was a card shark!

Why does an inspiring sight like a sunrise always have to take place at such an inconvenient time?

Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.

War decides not who is right, but who is left.