Situations — most viewed jokes

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

On a New York convalescent home:

- For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop:

- Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases:

- Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:

- Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:

- Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor:

- Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store:

- Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:

- 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee:

- Archery Tournament-Ears pierced

A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking.
Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out:

- Water...

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically:

- I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?

With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

- You fool - gasped the man. - I'm dying! I need water!

- Well, sir - replied the bedouin - If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some.

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired:

- May I help you sir?

- Water... - was the feeble reply.

- Oh, sir - replied the bedouin - I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!

Ha ha ha, very funny Scottie....

NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES!!

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!
FROZEN SOFT + GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS + BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER + DRYER - $300.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. - Mae West
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. - Jimi Hendrix
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. - Marty Feldman
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. - Steve Martin
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. - Samuel Palmer

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says:

- I'm going to become a lion tamer.

The other replies:

- That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming.

- Yes I do!

- Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?

- Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.

- Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?

- Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.

- Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?

- Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.

- Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?

- Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.

- Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?

- Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.

- Why are you taking so long to order?

- I can't decide whether I want heartburn or nausea.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now."
An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."
Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department."
On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!"
A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!"
Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station" (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) "Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."

Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, "Roger!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply.

- Okay Rodge - shouted Barry.

- I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round one of your legs and..

but before he could finish, he heard Roger call:

- But both my legs are broke.

Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was:

- They're broken too!

So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said:

- You right there mate?

to which Rodger replied:

- YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS........

How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

• Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 slice whole wheat toast, 8 oz. skim milk
• Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach, 1 cup herb tea, 1 Oreo cookie
• Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package, 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream, 1 jar hot fudge sauce
• Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread, 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke, 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza, 3 Snickers bars
• Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS