Situations — most viewed jokes

- Waiter, I can't seem to find any oysters in this oyster soup.

- Would you expect to find angels in angel cake?

There was a man staying the night in a hotel. He called the front desk and said:

- Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink.

The man at the front desk replied:

- Oh, okay, go ahead, but most guests just use the toilet.

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells:

- QUIT IT!

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets angry and says:

- OK for you

and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says:

- Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.

The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says:

- By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

- No - the inmate said.

- just get it over with.

- Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go? - said the guard.

- You didn't even want a special last meal!

The inmate thought.

- Actually - he said.

- Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started singing:

- One billion bottles of beer on the wall...

You're drinking too much coffee when...

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

- You speed walk in your sleep.

- You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

- You answer the door before people knock.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You sleep with your eyes open.

- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

- Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

- You can jump-start your car without cables.

- Cocaine is a downer.

- All your kids are named "Joe."

- You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.

- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet n Low."

- You don't sweat, you percolate.

- You buy milk by the barrel.

- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

- People get dizzy just watching you.

- When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."

- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

- You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

- People can test their batteries in your ears.

- Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

- Instant coffee takes too long.

- You channel surf faster without a remote.

- When someone says, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

- You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

- You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

- You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

- You get drunk just so you can sober up.

- You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

- Your Thermos is on wheels.

- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You short out motion detectors.

- You have a conniption over spilled milk.

- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

- You don't tan, you roast.

- You don't get mad, you get steamed.

- Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.

- Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

- You can't even remember your second cup.

- You help your dog chase its tail.

- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

- Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

- You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

- You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter...

The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith's breasts make when she walks.

BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.

Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay.

Finally, a chance to say:

- Yeah, but it's a dry cold.

Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring.

You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.

Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid your self of those troublesome extremities.

No news clips of the President jogging for at least 8 more weeks.

Watching O.J. enviously eye everyone else's toasty-warm glove-clad hands.

Flashers stick to describing themselves.

Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for elicit affairs.

When it's 10 below, nobody gives a rat's ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape.

With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.

The shivering just makes your Katherine Hepburn impersonation that much better, you old poop!and the Number 1 Good Thing About a Cold Winter...

Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, Snotcicles!

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us: Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut: The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find: The Los Angeles Times, November 2
'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories: Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking: The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers: The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought: The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men: The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11

All about smoking:

Remember, smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don't have to cut it off of you.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there's a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on an asphalt truck:

- Let us fill your crack!

Office sign:

- Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome.

Sign at a muffler shop:

- No muff too tough for us!

Sign on a government issue car:

- Fulton county disaster coordinator.

Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.
Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER!

- To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted.

Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
Sign in a Leipzig elevator:

- Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says:

- Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come.

- Great - replies Sam.

- After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.

As Enoch is leaving, he stops.

- Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'.

- Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops.

- More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too.

Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself.

- Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again.

Once again, Enoch turns from the door:

- I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

- Now that is not a problem - Sam says.

- I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

- By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says...:

- Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there.