Random joke from this category
- Customer: Do you have any cockroaches?
- Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
- Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
- Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
- Customer: I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Rasta Barbie ...she's got a tie-dyed t-shirt, dreadlocks and reggae CD; rolling papers sold separately
90% of Fords are still on the road. The other 10% made it home! (you know, Fords - Fix or Repair Daily)
- Waitress, the portions are getting smaller.
- It's just an optical illusion. It's just that the restaurant has been enlarged.
I got a letter from my sister.
She just had a baby. But she didn't say whether it's a boy or girl.
So I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.
Earn cash in your spare time.. blackmail your friends!
The top bad excuses for speeding:
- "This is my tryout for Nascar."
- "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
- "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"
- "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
- "Cause those Gorditas rule."
- "Uh-Oh.. Wapner's on... I'm an excellent driver."
- "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
- "Umm.. I'm drunk?"
- "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
On a New York convalescent home:
- For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
On a Maine shop:
- Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
At a number of military bases:
- Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
- Now available in multi-packs.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
- Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor:
- Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store:
- Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
- 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
On a shopping mall marquee:
- Archery Tournament-Ears pierced
