Situations — most viewed jokes

Things you'll never hear a dad say:

- Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

- You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

- Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.

- What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

- Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.

- Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

- No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

- Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

- Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that-it's no big deal.

If the world is getting smaller, why do postal rates keep going up?

- Didn't you tell me the chef here cooked for the late heads of Europe?

- Yes, and that's why they are the late heads of Europe.

If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it?
→ Jawbreakers!

You know you're having a bad day when...

- Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.

- You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

- You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

- You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

- Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

- Your income tax refund check bounces.

- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

- You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

- You put both contacts into the same eye.

- Your mother approves of the person you're dating.

- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

- You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.

- Nothing you own is actually paid for.

- Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.

- The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.

- You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.

- The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

- People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

- When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

- You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

- You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.

- It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

- Why are the waiters in here so nasty?

- Look at who they have to serve.

1. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2. If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3. Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."
4. When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6. When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."
7. Beep when a large person backs up.
8. Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."
9. Insist on making inanimate objects "dance."
10. Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11. Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12. When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13. Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14. While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15. Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE + DONUTS
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.

- And how did you find your steak sir?

- Well, quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost in the pit lane.

The first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the McLaren team boss noticed a real problem.

Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within four seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!