Random joke from this category
A friend went to the kitchen window to check on her two-year-old son, who was playing in the yard with some older children in the neighbourhood. She was horrified to see that they were feeding him an earthworm.
She quickly opened the window and screamed at them, "Don't feed him worms! They'll make him sick!"
They looked up at her puzzled and asked, "Was he sick yesterday?"
Some quick thinking to get out of the "caught napping jam!"...
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.
Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"
"Well," one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground."
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"
Why did the Aggie call 911 in the car wash?
→ He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a tornado
Treadwell walked into a Biloxi stationery store and asked, "Have you got any invisible ink?"
"Certainly sir," said the owner. "What color?"
Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
→ What for? He can't see my license plate.
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
A bit-part actor finally got his first leading role in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off a high diving board in to a swimming pool. He climbed to the top of the board, looked down and promptly climbed down again.
"What's the matter?" asked the director.
"I can't jump from that board!" said the actor. "Do you know there's only one foot of water in that pool?"
"Yes," said the director. "We don't want you to drown, you know."
