Situations — most viewed jokes

What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?
→ "It's okay Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

65 degrees: Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

60 degrees: Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 degrees: Miami residents turn on the heat

45 degrees: Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

40 degrees: You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming

35 degrees: Italian cars don't start

32 degrees: Water freezes

30 degrees: You plan your vacation to Australia

25 degrees: Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming

20 degrees: Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 degrees: French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 degrees: You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 degrees: American cars don't start

0 degrees: Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 degrees: German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 degrees: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist

-20 degrees: Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start

-25 degrees: Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 degrees: You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start

-40 degrees: Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your cat helps you plan your trip South

-50 degrees: Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 degrees: Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

-90 degrees: Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets!

1. Never eat at a place called Mom's
2. Never play cards with a man named 'Doc'
3. Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.

A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?"

After a moment the man replied, ... "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."

Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
→ Not if you are the groom.

How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
→ At least one within a week of the wedding.

What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
→ Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".

- Policeman: Now, sir, how did you come to have this accident?

- Motorist: Well, the sign just there says, 'Stop? Look? Listen'. And while I was doing that the train hit me.

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
→ A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

- Fred: Do you like my new hairstyle?

- Harry: In as much as it covers most of your face, yes.