Situations — most viewed jokes

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

"Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God!"

"Really?," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

Things that can and do bother the "normal" person.

• Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.
• The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them.
• There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
• You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
• It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog!
• There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
• You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
• Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
• You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
• You slice your tongue licking an envelope...
  OUCH!
• Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
• You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
• A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling...
  DOUBLE OUCH!
• People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
• You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it!
• You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
• You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

- Say, your house is burning.

- That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one.

How many Survivors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One to start screwing it in and the rest to vote 'em off the ladder.

How do you deal with heavy traffic?
→ Heavy psychedelics.

Three cowboys, a Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian, were sitting around a campfire smoking, drinking and having a good time. The Texan takes a full bottle of the finest tequila, throws it up in the air and shoots it to pieces. The Californian and Oregonian are clearly dismayed at that show, and ask "Now what'd you go and do THAT for?" The Texan just drawled "Where I come from, we got a lot of those."

Not to be outdone, the Californian reaches in his saddle bag and pulls out a full bottle of the best Californian wine there is. He throws the bottle in the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it to pieces. The Oregonian and the Texan both groan, but the Californian is quick to point out "Where I come from, we've got a lot of those."

Next the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of the best microbrew beer that Portland makes. He throws the bottle high up in the air, takes out his gun, shoots the Californian, catches the bottle, and proceeds to drink the beer. Horrified, the Texan asks why he would go and do a thing like that. "Well, where I come from, we got a lot of those, but the bottle's worth a nickel."

Seems about a year ago (1998) some airplane manufacturer employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's.

They got it off the plane, out the gate and were having a good time fishing on the Stilliquamish. All of a sudden the Coast Guard Chopper came wop-wop-ing in, homing on the emergency frequency locator beacon that was activated when the boys inflated the raft at the river.

(Note: The boys are no longer with said aircraft company.)

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.

Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"

The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"