Situations — most viewed jokes

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

- But why? - asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said:

- Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant.

The wife said:

- Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay.

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said:

- I am definitely leaving this time.

- Don't tell me you're pregnant again? - asked the lady of the house.

- No - she said.

- there are just too many kids here to pick up after!

This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine.

The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union.) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.

You are no longer "cool" when:

- You find yourself listening to talk radio.

- You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

- The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

- You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

- You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

- You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

- You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

- You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

- When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

- When jogging is something you do to your memory.

- Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

- All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

- You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

- You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

- You actually ASK for your father's advice.

- You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

- When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

- Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!

- Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.

- Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?

- Yep.

- Did they chop your firewood?

- Yep.

- Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman:

- For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future.

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said:

- I can see that you have no girlfriend.

- That's true - said Paul.

- Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?

- Yes - Paul shamefully admitted.

- That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?

- Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters.

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own room.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight.

We sought professional help and had a tree surgeon come to look at it. In his assessment, he noted that the blight was bad, but he was even more concerned with the deep cracks in the bark.

"In fact," he said, "This tree's bark is worse than its blight!"

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken.
He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells:

- Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!

The guy flying up looks down and yells:

- No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!

TRAFFIC JAM

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself:

- Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks:

- Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?

The Officer replies:

- The President just found out Starr has delivered another report to Congress and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.

- Oh really? How much have you collected so far?

- I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons.