Situations — most viewed jokes

- Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

- Don't listen to critics - do what must be done.

- Build on high ground.

- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

- Two heads are better than one.

- Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board... but then so were the turtles.

- Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

- Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

- When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!

- Stay below deck during the storm.

- The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

- If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

- Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

- Don't miss the boat. Repeat... Do NOT miss the boat...

- No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!

WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :)

1. Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"
2. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets. (This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)
3. Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?" (Not recommended at Biker Bars)
4. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".
5. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. (Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)
6. Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast :)
7. Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TV's so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what you're doing, insist that you "like it that way."
8. Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:

- They flip you off - plus 20 points.

- They wave at you - minus 10 points.

C: No reaction or blank stare - minus 10 points.

- They trip or run into something while staring - plus 25 points.

Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.

- I guess I didn't get my birthday wish.

- How do you know?

- You're still here!

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said:

- So, what did you bring?

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first:

- What did you bring?

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said:

- I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked:

- Why are you so smug? What did you bring?

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said:

- I brought these!

The other two were puzzled and asked:

- What on earth can you do with those?

He grinned and pointed to the box and said:

- Well according to the box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....

After wedding a young couple rented a town house in a large complex.
Concerned about a leak in an upstairs bathroom, young woman called the manager several times, but nothing happened.

Finally her husband reached the manager and, noting the seriousness of the problem, said:

- My wife is afraid the bathtub will fall through the kitchen.

- Oh, no, - the manager quickly replied.

- The bathtub falls through the living room.

- Dr Frankenstein: I've just invented something that everyone in the world will want! You know how you get a nasty ring around the bathtub every time you use it, and you have to clean the ring off?

- Igor: Yes, I hate it.

- Dr Frankenstein: Well, you need never have a bathtub ring again! I've invented the square tub . . .

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
9. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.
11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13. Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
18. I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.
20. I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.
23. The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.
24. I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings.
25. The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.
26. A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.
27. A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
28. I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt.
29. I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away.
30. I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact.
31. I struck the young man with my husband's car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private.
32. I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.
33. I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired.
34. I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence.
35. I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen.
36. I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
37. I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle.
38. I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
39. My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road.
40. My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
41. My mind became confused by a sign that read "Free Puppy for Sale". The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch.
42. No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.
43. The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.
44. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
45. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
46. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
47. The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light.
48. The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes.
49. The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.
50. There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection.
51. When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean.
52. When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

You are no longer "cool" when:

- You find yourself listening to talk radio.

- You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

- The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

- You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

- You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

- You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

- You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

- You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

- When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

- When jogging is something you do to your memory.

- Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

- All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

- You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

- You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

- You actually ASK for your father's advice.

- You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

- When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same day as his father's. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol.

He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying:

- Use this all over yourself and think of me.

Unfortunately he put the note on his father's present.

When does a bed grow longer?
→ At night, because two feet are added to it.