Situations — most viewed jokes

What the world is like in TV land:

1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Asian people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
26. Computers never crash.
    a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's.
    b) Computers know everything.
    c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
    d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info
27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.
30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.
31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.
36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys don't do drugs.
40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.
41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.
42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.
44. Street vendors' carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.
47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.
48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.
52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.
53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.
54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to actually catch the person they're chasing.
55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. - What's going on? - Ed asked one of the crowd.

- We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine - he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine.

- Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

- I can do that! - Ed said confidently.

- No you can't - said Ted.

- I sure as hell can! - said Ed.

- You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster - said Ted.

- Watch this - said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted.

- Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!? - Ted asked.

- Remember three months ago - Ed said...

- When my wife had whooping cough...?

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed.

- What's wrong?

The depressed one replied:

- I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away.

The other lady asked:

- What did they used to do?

The depressed lady replied:

- Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician.

And the other said:

- Oh, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

1. You can name everyone you graduated with2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home3. You know what 4-H is4. You ever went to "headlight parties"5. You used to drag "main"6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't8. You ever went cow-tipping9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties10. You have parties at the same guy's house12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events13. The town social events are their children's14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself20. No place sells gas on Sunday21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog26. You had senior skip day27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field)

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.

They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says:

- Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't.

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says:

- How soon do you have to know?

1. Watch the sunset-- on a sled.
2. Smile more, --it might get you a free beer.
3. Complain less. --It might get you a free beer.
4. Surprise a friend with a call. -- It might get you a free beer.
5. Develop your gifts. -- You might need them.
6. Count your blessings. -- You might need these too!
7. Talk to someone in an elevator. -- Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer.
8. Breathe consciously once in a while. -- This cures snoring.
9. Enjoy sneezes -- and stay behind the one sneezing.
10. Appreciate that your leg isn't broken, -- unless you are an actor.
11. Be unique, --it demonstrates difference!
12. Sing in the shower. -- With a friend!
13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, -- or have someone laugh at you.
14. Make someone's day, -- or night.
15. Stand on your head. -- For a free beer!
16. Stare at the world above you. -- Hopefully not from under a bar.
17. Play with an animal. -- Be sure it is one which cannot eat you!
18. Slurp Jell-O. --Add Vodka for flavor.
19. Do something unplanned. -- Plan to do it this weekend!
20. Plan to do something and have it go as planned. -- This is hard!
21. Stand back and look in. -- Tell my wife this when shopping all the time.
22. Appreciate a paradox -- paradox a appreciate.
23. Dive in. -- Naked!
24. Get grass stains. -- Naked :)
25. Wave your hands in the air.-- Use the middle finger at birds.
26. Swim with the fishes. -- Again, naked.
27. Make maple syrup. -- Don't use pine juice.
28. Climb a tree. --Don't climb a pine.
29. Spin in a circle once while walking to class. -- Don't fall in a mud puddle.
30. Tell someone they look nice. -- You look nice.
31. Collect something, -- like taxes from the tax collector!
32. Walk barefoot every chance you get. -- Even in the snow!
33. Build a sand castle, -- or a snowman.
34. Walk with no destination. -- Talk with no destination.
35. When all your exams are done, treat yourself to an ice cream cone. -- OK I WILL! Then a beer.
36. Entertain yourself by making faces. -- bend over and see if they look the same.
37. Don't just listen, try to hear. --Then try to listen to a friend.
38. Wear shoes until they're so old they won't stay on your feet. --Then wear them swimming.
39. Appreciate the primary colors. -- Know them!
40. When you wake up, realize you're alive. -- Promise not to use vulgarities.
41. Walk in the rain, -- with a bar of soap.
42. Blow bubbles, -- in the tub!
43. Make the most of where you are. -- Ride an Arctic Cat!
44. Jump as high as you can. -- Come down on an empty beer can, and recycle it.
45. Dance -- in bed
46. Talk less and say more. --Carry a BIG stick.
47. Exercise before you diet. -- 12 oz. curls don't count do they?
48. Learn to play chess. -- That and Linear Algebra may come in handy.
49. Sit by a river. -- With a beer, on an Arctic Cat.
50. Never lose your sense of humor. -- You will need it!

- Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.

- Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.

- You may not fish on a camel's back.

- Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back.

- A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.

- A law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view."

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says:

- Someone should go and tell his wife.

Bill says:

- OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says:

- Where did you get that, Bill?

- Steve's wife gave it to me.

- That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?

Bill says:

- Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'

- 'No, I'm not a widow.' - she said.

And I said:

- Wanna bet me a six-pack?

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

- Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady:

- why is your stomach so big?

She replied:

- Im having a baby.

With big eyes, he asked:

- Is the baby in your stomach?

She said:

- He sure is.

Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked:

- Is it a good baby?

She said:

- oh yes, its a real good baby.

With even a more surprised and shocked look he said:

- Then why in the world did you eat him?