Situations — most viewed jokes

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said:

- I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.

The agent replied:

- I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear:

- Do you have any idea who I am?

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

- May I have your attention please? - she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.

- We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore:

- F--- you.

Without flinching, she smiled and said:

- I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too.

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says:

- Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas.

His wife say:

- That's wonderful. What should I pack for...

Europe, the Carribean?
He says:

- I don't care, just be gone when I get home.

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:

- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean.

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

- Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side.

After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an announcement:

- Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... Thank You For Flying Lufthansa.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:

- Ah, you're lovely, aren't you? - she says to the first dog.

- What's your name?

To her surprise, the dog actually answers her:

- My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog:

- And what's your name then?

Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her:

- My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.

And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says:

- your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles.

"No," replies the last dog:

- My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day!

Two friends who lived in the town were chatting.

- I've just bought a pig - said the first.

- But where will you keep it? - said the second.

- Your yard's much too small for a pig!

- I'm going to keep it under my bed - replied his friend.

- But what about the smell?

- He'll soon get used to that.

As Hostage Taker:

- Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

- Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

- Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.

- Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

- Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

- Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

- Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

- Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

- Forget your gun at home.

- Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".

- Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:

- Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.

- When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"

- When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.

- Show up stoned and do anything at all.

- When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"

- Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.

- Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.

- Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.

- Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.

- When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Dave's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.