Situations — most viewed jokes

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

- What on earth did you do that for? - shouts Frank.

- You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!

Matt replies:

- What...and we weren't?

A guy was driving his car at the speed of 80 mph when he saw the flashing red and blue lights.

Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, he accelerated to 110 mph. He finally came to some sense and pulled over to the side. The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without a word. He looked at the driver and said:

- I've had a tough shift and this is my last pullover. I don't feel like doing anymore paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!

The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for a reply.

- Last week my wife ran off with a cop - he said:

- and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

- Off you go - said the officer.

What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?
→ The ZIP Code.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on a scientist's door:

- Gone fission.

Sign in a taxidermist's window:

- We really know our stuff.

Sign in a podiatrist's window:

- Time wounds all heels.

Sign in a butcher's window:

- Let me meat your needs.

Sign on used car lot:

- Second hand cars in first crash condition.

Sign on fence:

- Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Sign in a car dealership office:

- The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Sign over a cannibal's hut:

- I never met a man I didn't like.

Sign in a muffler shop:

- No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.

- There - says the vet.

- Your hamster is dead.

Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head.

- It's definitely dead sir - says the vet.

Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes:

- That will be L1000, please.

- A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead - fumes the man.

- Well - says the vet.

- There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan.

- I can't believe it - said the tourist.

- I've been here an entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?

- Well, that's hard to say - replied the local.

- Last year, it was on a Wednesday.

How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

A man arrived at a seaside hotel where he had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights were out, so he knocked on the door. After a long time a light appeared in an upstairs window and a woman called out:

- Who are you? What do you want?

- I'm staying here!

- Stay there, then - she retorted, and slammed the window shut!

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said:

- God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?

God replied:

- Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell.

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling:

- God, God, they're gone, they're gone!

- Who, the New Yorkers?

- No, the Pearly Gates.