Situations — most viewed jokes

- "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

- "All generalizations are false."

- "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

- "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

- "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

- "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

- Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

- "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."

- "Born Free. . . . . Taxed to Death"

- "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

- "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

- "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

- "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

- "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

- "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

- "REHAB is for quitters"

- "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

- "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

- "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"

- "E. coli Happens"

- "Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!"

- "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

- "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

- "SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"

- "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

- "Towers will be violated"

- "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

- "Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!"

- "End rape. Say 'Yes!'"

- "I KNOW JACK SHIT!"

- "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

- "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

- "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

- "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

- "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

- "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

- "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

- "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

- "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

- "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

- "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!"

- "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

- "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

- "Wink, I'll do the rest!"

- "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"

- "No Radio - Already Stolen"

- "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

- "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

- "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

- "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

- "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

- "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

- "Few women admit their age, Few men act it!"

- "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"

- "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

- "Assassins do it from behind!"

- "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"

- "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

- "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

- "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got."

- "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

- "Which came first? The woman or the department store?"

- "LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."

- "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

- "LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."

- "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

- "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."

- "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

- "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

- "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

- "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

- "I'm not as think as you drunk I am"

- "First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"

- Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

- "Don't come knocking if the car is rocking"

- "Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"

- "Forget about World Peace..... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !"

- "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

- "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

- "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

- "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

- "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

- "He who laughs last thinks slowest"

- "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

- "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

- "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

- "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

- "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

- "i souport publik edekasion"

- "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

- "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated."

- "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

- "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."

- "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

- "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

- "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

- "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock."

- "2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

- "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

- "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

- "Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

- "I is a college student."

- "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

- "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

- "Eschew obfuscation."

- "God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!"

- "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

- "CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason."

- "We're staying together for the sake of the cats."

- "It's been lovely, but I have to scream now."

- "My karma ran over your dogma."

- "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

- "I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily."

- "Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus."

- "Welcome to Texas, now go home."

- "It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you."

- "If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own."

- "Life's too short to dance with ugly men."

- "Life's too short to dance with ugly women."

- "My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her."

- "When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS)."

- "Beer isn't just for breakfast any more."

- "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

- "Will Rogers never met a lawyer."

- "Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton."

- "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

- "Don't steal. The government hates competition."

- "Is there life before coffee?"

- "Never play leap frog with a unicorn."

- "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m"

- "The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful."

- "I Cayman went."

- "My other wife is beautiful."

- "I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?"

- "Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

- "Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle."

- "Nuke the unborn baby whales."

- "Geez if you belive in honkus."

- "Friends don't let friends drive naked."

- "Save California; when you leave take someone with you."

- "I came, I saw, I did a little shopping."

- "There's one in every crowd and they always find me."

- "If money could talk, it would say goodbye."

- "When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger."

- "Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats."

- "If it's too loud, you're too old."

- "The worst day fishing is better than the best day working."

- "Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing."

- "Who cares who's on board?"

- "Die Yuppie Scum."

- "Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it."

- "Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister."

- "Women make great leaders. You're following one now."

- "Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities."

- "Exxon Suxx."

- "Honk if you love cheeses."

- "Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist."

- "I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be."

- "So many pedestrians, so little time."

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.

This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows for sure.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.

I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said:

- That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

- The bus driver insulted me - she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:

- Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.

- You're right - she said.

- I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

- That's a good idea - the man said.

- Here, let me hold your monkey.

a guy was teased everywhere of his totally noticably bald head! Afta goin thru yrs of this, he decided that he should say sumthin about it! so he stood up on2 the tallest statue and shouted 4 everyone 2 hear: 'I AM NOT BALD, ITS JUST THAT IM TALLER THAN MY HAIR!'

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.

After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.

The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.

- Mister - the patrolman said to the driver.

- I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'

Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
→ To draw the curtains!

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35 Chicken or Beef $2.25 Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

- ATC: Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions?

- Cessna: To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.

- ATC: I meant in the next five minutes not years.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?