Situations — most viewed jokes

Dear:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

- ( ) the tooth could not be found

- ( ) it was not a human tooth

- ( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny

- ( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor

- ( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

- ( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you

- ( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

- ( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action

- ( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy

- ( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received

- ( ) the tooth is still in your mouth

- ( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit

- ( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit

- ( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing

- ( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:

- [ ] string

- [ ] pliers

- [ ] gunpowder

- [ ] hammer marks

- [ ] chisel

- [ ] part of skull attached to tooth

- [ ] no dental care

- ( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. He explained:

- Pull the pin like a hand grenade, then depress the trigger to release the foam.

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted:

- Like a hand grenade, remember?

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate:

- Bring me my red shirt!

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed:

- Bring me my red shirt!

And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked:

- Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted:

- If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid. The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed:

- Bring me my brown pants!

Do you suppose that it occurs to the power company that they are making a double pun when they send their bill commanding "Please Pay Current Charges"?

American Express calls and says:

- Leave home without it!

- Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.

- You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

- You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.

- Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.

- Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.

- You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

- You receive care packages from Europe.

- Your bologna has no first name.

- You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

- You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

- You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

- You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.

- McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

Consumer Credit Counseling services said:

- No.

- The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At a Santa Fe gas station:

- We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant:

- Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:

- Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:

- 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall:

- Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward:

- No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore:

- We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company:

- Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building:

- Mental Health Prevention Center

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign at a hotel:

- Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Sign in a science teacher's room:

- If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Sign in butchers window:

- Pleased to meat you.

Sign on auto body shop:

- May we have the next dents?

Sign at the dry cleaner's window:

- Drop your pants here.

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery:

- Reserved for plant manager.

Sign in an Acapulco Hotel:

- The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Sign in a Norwegian lounge:

- Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward:

- Please do not disturb further.

Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said:

- I think I'll get up and get a coke.

- No problem - said the Soldier.

- I'll get it for you.

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said:

- That looks good, I think I'll have one too.

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

- How long must this go on? - the Soldier asked.

- This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?