Situations — most viewed jokes

Once, there were two bikers driving down the highway on a cold afternoon.

- Man! - commented one...

- it's FREEZING!!! and my coat won't zip up. The cold air is killing me!!

The other biker thought for a minute as they sped down the road.

- Well - he said at last...

- you can turn your jacket around, then the open side would be at the back. You wouldn't get so cold that way.

- Great idea! - commented the other.

- stop and let me switch.

The driver pulled over, and the passenger put his jacket on backwards.

- There! - he said when he had completed the switch.

- I feel better already.

The two of them climbed back on the motorcycle and drove off. Then, suddenly they hit a patch of ice on the road, and spun off and crashed. A few minutes later a crowd had gathered, and when the ambulance arrived, the EMTs shouted out:

- Is anybody hurt?

One guy from the crowd replied:

- Well, the driver was dead when I got here, and the other guy was doing alright until we fixed his head.

- Clinton doesn't inhale, he sucks

- USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident.

- It's a dog eat dog world... and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!!

- I break for hallucinations

- My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer

- Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down)

- DADDY FARTED AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!!!

- IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!

- Nuck Fewt

- ORGASM DONOR

- My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall

- No radio. Already stolen.

- Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

- So many pedestrians, so little time.

- My other wife is beautiful.

- I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

- Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

- There is one in every crowd and they always find me.

- I love animals - They taste great!

- I'd rather step in shit than smoke it.

- Unless you are a hemorrhoid - get off my ass!

- On the back of a caterer's truck: "Nobody beats our meat!"

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:

- No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek):

- Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.
Sign in King's Canyon in California:

- Slow Parking Ahead

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:

- Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.
Seen in a health food store:

- Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot

- Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor:

- Specialist in women and other diseases.

Sign in a Tokyo shop:

- Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER:

- COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance:

- English well talking.

- Here speeching American.

Sign at a Budapest zoo:

- Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book:

- A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire:

- Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!

Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

- Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

A new list of the "World's Shortest Books":

- STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED - by Elizabeth Taylor

- BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno

- HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver

- DOWN HILL SKIING - by Sonny Bono

- HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino

- FLYING AT NIGHT - by JFK, Jr.

- THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton

- MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - by Ronald Reagan

- THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - by Bill Gates

- MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

- THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

- THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH - by the Ramseys

- AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

- AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

- DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

- DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

- MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

- THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

- HELLEN KELLER'S BIRDWATCHING GUIDE

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups:

- Get a `long` little doggie!

Sign in a cafeteria:

- Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.

In pencil beneath the sign:

- Socks can eat anyplace they want.

Sign on a music library's door:

- Bach in a minuet.

Sign in a restaurant window:

- T-bone steak $1

Then, in fine print underneath:

- With meat $12

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads:

- Today's special.

Below it says:

- So's tomorrow.

Sign on restaurant window:

- Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong).

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home:

- Drive carefully. We'll wait.

Sign in a Maine restaurant:

- Open 7 days a week and weekends.

Sign in school:

- In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended.

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Bible church's focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat + Chronicle, January 29

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

- Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!

- Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herbes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Dear Kill 17,000
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction