Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

Confucious say:

• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
• It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
• Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
• Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
• Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
• Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
• Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
• Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
• Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
• Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
• Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
• Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...

He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.

Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred.

So his wife says, "What happened to you?" The man says, "When I was young, I had the kneesles."

He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.

"Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?" inquires the wife. "When I was a young boy, I had tolio."

So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies, "Don't tell me. Smallcox, right!?"

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!"
The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw......."
"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

• Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
• Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
• Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
• Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
• Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
• Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
• Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
• Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
• Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
• Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
• Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
• Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
• Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
• Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
• Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
• Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms.
• Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
• Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
• Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
• Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
• Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
• Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
• Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
• Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
• Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
• Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
• Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
• Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
• Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
• Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
• Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
• Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
• Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
• Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
• Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
• Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
• Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
• Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
• Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
• Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
• Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
• Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
• Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
• Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms.
• Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.

Whats the definition of love, true love, and showing off?
→ Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How much for a blow job?"
"Hundred Bucks."
"OK", he said and began to jerk off.
"What the hell are you doing that for?"
"For hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy one, do you?"

What did the hurricane say to the coconut?
→ Hold on to your nuts, it's going to be a hell of a blow job!

Did you hear the slogan for the new "Stealth Condom?"
→ "They'll never see you coming."