Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

• "Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
• "I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
• "I'm not really married."
• "It's only a cold sore."
• "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
• "Size isn't important."
• "This won't hurt, I promise."
• "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
• "We'll always be together."
• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
• A man in the house is worth two in the street.
• A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
• A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
• Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
• All the good ones are taken.
• Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
• Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
• Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
• Do it only with the best.
• Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
• Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
• Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
• If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
• If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
• If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law).
• If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.
• If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
• If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
• It is always the wrong time of month.
• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
• It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
• It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
• Love comes in spurts.
• Love is a hole in the heart.
• Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
• Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
• Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
• Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
• Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
• Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
• Never say no.
• Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
• Nice guys finish last.
• No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
• No sex with anyone in the same office.
• Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
• Nothing improves with age.
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
• Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
• Sex has no calories.
• Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
• Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
• Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
• Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
• Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
• The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
• The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
• The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
• The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
• The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
• The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
• The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
• The younger the better.
• There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
• There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
• There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
• Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
• Virginity can be cured.
• What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
• When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
• When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
• You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
• You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.

and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.

The egg looks at the chicken and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper. "I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with"

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer"

Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.

Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear.

"I'm sorry, I did mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred.

"Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am" explains the Bear.

Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.

All pissed off Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me".

Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.

Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.

"I'm sorry, I'll never do it agian, I promise", screams Fred.

"I thought I told you not to come back here again", exclaims the bear, "now pull down your pants.

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.

Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off"

When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful."

The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this"

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

"You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out. "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!"
"Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up".
The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.
After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills.
The guy can hardly believe his luck.
Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead.
The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled.
The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"

Things Men Should "Never" Say After Sex:

1. "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2. "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3. "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4. "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5. "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6. (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7. (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8. "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9. "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10. "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
11. "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12. "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13. "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14. "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15. "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"
16. "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"
17. "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
18. "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET10. Does this come in children's sizes?9. No thanks, just sniffing8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind7. Mom will love this6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here4. Will you model this for me?3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

What is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!

There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.

The first is Smurf Sex... This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex... This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex... This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her.

The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).