Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
→ Call her/him on the telephone!

Why do Southern guys go to family reunions?
→ To meet chicks.

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
→ You know she'll swallow.

Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
→ They don't want to wear out the camel.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
→ Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Do you know why women fake orgasm?
→ Because men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
→ When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
→ A guy will actually search for a golfball.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
→ She knows she's given her last blow job.

Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
→ The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
→ The woman who can eat the last two donuts.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
→ Cough, gag, choke, etc.

What did One gay sperm say to another?
→ How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

What's the definition of Trust?
→ Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

How do you find a blonde in long grass?
→ Pleasing!

What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
→ Bingo!

How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
→ When the big hand touches the little hand...

When is a pixie not a pixie?
→ When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
→ Erection day.

How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
→ The tongue's still in the envelope.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 10 years the job still sucks.

Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
→ The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"

Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.

A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.

This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.

Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself.

"You're the first man I've seen after months at sea," she coos. "I'll do anything you want."

Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered.

"Great," he says. "Will you walk my dog for me?"

What is a waterfall that goes upwards?...
→ Viagrafalls

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
→ One in a million become a human being.

A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door.

"Do you use Vaseline?" asked the researcher.
"Certainly," she said. "It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"And what about anything else?" he asked.
"Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe."
"Oh, of course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out."

Why do blondes have orgasms?
→ So they know when to stop having sex.

How do you Scare a Man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
→ Exchange him.

What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
→ A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

How do you get a man to exercise?
→ Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know. It's never happened.

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
→ Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.

What is a man's idea of safe sex?
→ A padded headboard.

Men are like vacations....
→ they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers....
→ hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers....
→ load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like horoscopes....
→ they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers....
→ they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like laxatives....
→ they irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like parking spots....
→ the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Why are men like lawnmowers?
→ They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.

Why are men like tile floors?
→ If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.

Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
→ "How come?"

What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
→ They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
→ S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
→ Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
→ A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
→ The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
→ A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
→ There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
→ Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
→ If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
→ Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
→ A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
→ One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One ... Men will screw anything.