Random joke from this category
Two aliens landed in the remote countryside and went walking from the flying saucer along a narrow lane. The first thing they saw was a red pillar box.
"Take us to your leader," said the first alien.
"Don't waste time talking to him. Can't you see he's only a child?" said the second alien.
What can you make from baked beans and onions?
→ Tear gas.
Two aliens from outer space landed in Las Vegas and were wandering around the casinos. One of them volunteered to go inside and see what was happening. He came out looking rather shocked.
"What's the matter?" asked his friend.
"It's a very popular place," replied the first alien.
"It's full of creatures that keep throwing up little metal discs."
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore.
One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.
The scientist says to God - "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you."
God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?"
The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?"
God: "A man-making contest."
The scientist: "Sure! No problem".
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!"
God replies, "No, no, no... You go get your own dirt."
Why did the boy become an astronaut?
→ Because he was told he was no earthly good.
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
This is not only philosophical but is obviously pure science.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
You'd never believe it, but I bumped into a famous stuntman in a motorcycle shop the other day.
He was complaining because he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with a high top speed but poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.
Eventually he decided on the second one because it cost a lot less.
After all... torque is cheap.
