Science — most viewed jokes

Why did the Aggie take a golf club and a baseball glove storm chasing with him?
→ To golf the golf ball size hail and catch the baseball size hail

How easy is it for wind gusts to talk to each other?
→ It is a breeze

Do robots have sisters?
→ No, just transistors!

One day, a blonde was left alone in a lab with a beetle. She examined it and decided to do an experiment. She pulled off one of its legs, then asked it to run. The beetle obeyed her command. Then, she pulled off a second leg and asked it to run. It did, but with a lot of difficulty. Finally, she pulled the remaining legs off and asked it to run. It couldn't.

"I have made a new discovery!" the blonde cried. "When you pull all of a beetle's legs off, it becomes deaf!!"

Why can't meteorologists forecast the weather?
→ They are too busy studying comets and meteors

First cave man to 2nd cave man: "I don't care what you say. We never had such unusual weather before they started using bows and arrows."

What type of wind is named after Santa Claus's warm climate cousin?
→ Santa Ana

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

Examples

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese and mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

Preparing the Bedroom

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

Additional Last Minute Preparations

Hiding the sex manual: 3
Decanting the wine: 4
Without a corkscrew: 268

Making the First Move

If you are shy: 15
If you are anxious: 43
If you beg: 100

Seducing the Partner

If you are rich (cash): 5
If you are rich (credit card): 15
If you are poor: 200

Initial Body Contact

Fumbling: 4
Casually rummaging around: 7
Seriously rummaging around: 42

Removing Clothes

With partner's consent: 12
Without partner's consent: 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

Arousal and Stimulation

Blowing in partner's ear: 15
Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

Disappointment

(after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on: 10
Partner wears corrective underwear: 15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100
You don't mind: 0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

Doing It for the First Time

Fumbling around: 4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18
Completely missing: 126

Positions

Italian (man on top woman on bottom): 26
German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48
English (woman on top man hiding): 15
American (both on top): 1,243

Afflictions

Leg cramp: 36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612
Sneezing (during intercourse): 7
Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

Assorted Accidents

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5
Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1
Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17
Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133
Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Shoes flew off: 15
Expression didn't change: 0.5
Room turned purple: 4
Face turned purple: 78
Earth moved: 30
If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish: 506

Things Often Said After Sex

"I am so grateful": 15
"It must have been something we ate": 15
"Was it good for you?": 15
"Are you finished?": 15

Trying Again

If woman is ready: 5
If man is not: 563

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After sex: 18
During sex: 546
While parking car: 212

Sleep

Real: 5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

Taking a Bath Together

In a bath: 5
In a sink: 150
In a jacuzzi: 15,269

Making the Bed

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).
With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

Keeping a Journal

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold
Explaining how: 12
Suggesting something different: 3
Calming terrified Harold: 40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8
Foreplay (a little of this a little of that): 56
Intercourse (standing position): 22
Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10
Intercourse (urging him on): 5
Orgasm: not sure
Thanking Harold: 3
Waving bye-bye: 1
Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned: 160

What do lightning bolts do when they laugh?
→ They crack up

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

• The only jokes you receive are through e-mail (nothing wrong with this one).
• At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
• Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
• Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
• In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
• The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
• You are always late to meetings.
• You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
• You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.
• You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
• You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
• You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
• You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
• You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
• You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
• You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
• You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
• You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
• You have never backed up your hard drive.
• You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
• You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
• You know what http:// stands for.
• You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
• You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
• You see a good design and still have to change it.
• You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
• You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
• You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
• You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
• You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
• You window shop at Radio Shack.
• You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
• Your checkbook always balances.
• Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
• Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
• Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.
• You've already calculated how much you make per second.
• You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.