Religion — most viewed jokes

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
→ Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

If Atheists don't belive in God......can they get insured for an act of god?

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 21
17. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)
18. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)
19. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)
20. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)
21. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)
22. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)
23. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (1 Samuel somewhere)
24. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative off course.) - Cain (Genesis 4)
25. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)
26. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14)
27. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). - David (2 Samuel 9)
28. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
29. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11)
30. A wife?... NOT!!! - Paul (I Corinthians 7)
31. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. - Jesus (Revelation 15?)

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife.
"May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
→ Isaiah!

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."