Religion — most viewed jokes

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said:

- The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

- Leave us alone you religious nuts! - yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

- Do you think - said one clergy to the other - we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?

The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope:

- Just a minute, I'll be right back.

At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.

When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope:

- Follow me to your new quarters.

Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer's quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.

Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said:

- I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room.

Saint Peter said:

- Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer.

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks:

- Is God male or female?

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds:

- Well God is both male and female.

This confuses the little boy, so he asks:

- Is God black or white?

- Well, God is both black and white.

This further confuses the boy so he asks:

- Is God gay or straight?

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless:

- Honey, God is both gay and straight.

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks:

- Is God Michael Jackson?

And God Created The Woman

He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors: His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.

He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments.

The Carpenter says:

- Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out.

God replies:

- No I like it that way, but thanks

Then the Tailor says:

- Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them.

God replies:

- No I like it that way, but thanks

Then the Architect says:

- Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the toilets next to the reception room

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

- Sid, are there any Jews in China? - asked Al.

- I don't know, - Sid replied.

- Why don't we ask the waiter?

When the waiter came by, Al asked him:

- Are there any Chinese Jews?

- I don't know sir, let me ask, - the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said:

- No, sir. No Chinese Jews.

- Are you sure? - Al asked.

- I will check again, sir. - the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said:

- I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.

When the waiter returned he said:

- Sir, no Chinese Jews.

- Are you really sure? - Al asked again.

- I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.

- Sir, I ask everyone, - the waiter replied exasperated.

- We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying:

- You can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks.

The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says:

- For stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.

The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man.

The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says:

- I don't know what I did to deserve this.

The man replies:

- I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck.

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes.

- There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us - he announced.

- Since I'm the pilot, I get one!

After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

- I'm the world's greatest athlete - proclaimed Michael Jordon.

- This world needs great athletes, so I must live.

Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

- I'm the smarest man in the world - bragged Bill Gates.

- The world needs smart men, so I must also live!

Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak:

- I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.

- You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said:

- Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go.

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied:

- Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?

Looking slightly puzzled, God said:

- Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said:

- I think I'll try Hell first.

So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air.

- This is great - he thought.

- If this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven.

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

- So, how is everything going? - God asked.

Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment:

- This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?

- That was the demo - replied God.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailin away ahead of them.

- Engineer: What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!

- Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

- Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.

- Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

- George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge!

- Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.

- Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

- Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

After a short pause ...

- Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night!

Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner.

Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.

When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles.

God asked Satan what he had created, but Satan said:

- I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?

God replied:

- Everybody knows -- Jesus Saves.