Religion — most viewed jokes

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

What were Jesus' last words at the last supper?
→ "Ok, all you guys who want to be in the picture, get on THIS side of the table"

A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. "We've got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth...can you make it?"

Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church.

"Hey, Joe...can you help me out??" He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him.

"Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!".

"Joe, don't worry... I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card...find the sin...and follow it over to the appropriate penance...it's that simple...here comes the first penetant...try it!!"

So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen...

"Bless me Father... I have sinned... I have had impure thoughts." Joe looks at the list...finds "Impure Thoughts" and orders: "Say two Our Fathers, three Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more."

"Thank you, Father," replies the penetant.

Hey...this is easy!! The next one comes in. "Bless me father. I have sinned. I have fornicated."

Fornication...fornication...can't find it...oh there it is on the back.

"Say 10 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more.".

"Thank you, Father".

Then the third arrives. "Bless me Father, I have sinned. I have had oral sex."

Oral sex? Oral sex? It's not on the card! Joe is in a panic. He looks out and sees an altar boy getting ready for mass. "Pssst... Jimmy...c'mere!! What does Father O'Brien give for Oral Sex?"

The boy replies...

"A Snickers and a Coke. Why?"

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.

Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!"

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side.

All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium... Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"

Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"

"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.

"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?"

"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."

"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"

Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives.

After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.

The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his independence.

"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"

For those of you who may need it...

A Prayer for the Stressed!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....

• 12% on Monday
• 23% on Tuesday
• 40% on Wednesday
• 20% on Thursday
• 5% on Fridays

And help me to remember ...

When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!

A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.

"Did god make you?", she asked.

"yes" he answered.

"did god makeme, to?" she wondered.

"yes", he replied.

"well, she shrugged, "don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?"

An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father, I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice."

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never, Father", replied the old man. "I'm Jewish"

"So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody!"

If god had wanted us to run around naked, we would have been born that way.

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!"

John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."