Religion — most viewed jokes

Adam was strolling through the Garden of Eden, and he asked God, "God can you put someone else on this planet with me? It's kind of lonely here?" So God said, "I will put on earth a woman."

"What is this 'woman'?" asked Adam.

"A woman is somebody who will provide companionship and take care of all your needs," explained God.

"Oh holy master, what is the price for this woman?" asked Adam.

"The price for her is your left arm and your right eye," said God.

Then Adam replied, "Ehh... what can I get for a rib?"

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects. "Jesus is watching you," a voice said

"Huh?, oh well," the robber said and continued shinning his torch.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice continued. The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot.

"Oh, it's you," the robber said.

"I'm just trying to warn you," the parrot said.

"Oh, that's nice," the robber said, pretending to be scared, "what's your name?"

"Moses."

"Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses?"

"The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus!"

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?" "Absolutely not!" replied the pastor. "In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife instructed.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner!"

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker.

They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby.

- Social worker: We should give these seats to the children.

- Lawyer: Dont be stupid, fuck the children!

- Catholic priest: Do you really think we've got time?

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman, and a hooker with diahrrea?
→ Well, one shucks between fits.

What's the difference between a nun and a fat lady?
→ One's tryin to diet, and the other's dyin to try it...

- Moe: My wife converted me to religion.

- Joe: Really?

- Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"