Religion — most viewed jokes

This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions.

- Guy: Why are girls so pretty?

- God: So you'll like them.

- Guy: Why are girls soft?

- God: So you'll like them.

- Guy: Why are girls so dumb?

- God: So they'll like you.

Why did God create man first?
→ So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He tells them: "I needed three important people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth."

Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: "I have two really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the earth."

Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is tomorrow he's destroying the Earth."

Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: "I have two pieces of great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth, and second, I think I've got the Y2K problem fixed."

Once there were 3 Chinese mothers in a church.

They always liked to compete with their sons.

- First mother: My son is a priest. Whenever people see him they say, "Oh my priest!"

- Second mother: Oh yeah, my son is a bishop. Whenever they see him they say, "Oh my bishop!"

- Third mother: (after thinking a bit) Well my son is a fat, lazy pig and whenever people see my son they say, "Oh my God!"

Why do church bells never send e-mails?
→ They'd rather give each other a ring.

Who did the dyslexic satanist worship?
→ Santa.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed!"

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar!'"

What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn?
→ He threw some nails down on the counter and asked, "Can you put me up for the night?"

One day the African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously.

"You have been fucking my wives," he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful black.

"You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd, "Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them."

"OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so will I."