Random joke from this category
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"
"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"
The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic. Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.
When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion. Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people. Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!" The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.
Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"
The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, ok."
The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."
Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."
The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."
So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught."
Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish."
And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish."
And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...
"I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"
What goes Clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop?
→ An Amish drive by shooting!
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
Three Nuns died and were up at outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter was there with them. St. Peter decided he needed to quiz each nun with a different question to see if they really desereved to go to Heaven.
St. Peter asked the first nun, "Nun, Who was the first man on earth?" She replied, "That would be Adam." St. Peter let her through the gates.
St. Peter walked up to the second nun and asked her, "Nun, Who was the first woman on earth?" She replied, "That would be Eve." St. Peter let her through the gates.
St. Peter walked up to the third nun and asked her, "What was the last thing that Eve told Adam before they left Paradise?"
The nun was puzzled. She thought about it for a long time.
"HHHHMMMM," she said aloud, "Thats a hard one."
St. Peter let her through the gates.
NOTE: This joke may be offensive to some. STOP HERE if you are offended by religious jokes.
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"
Why did God invent shopping carts?
→ To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.
