Religion — most viewed jokes

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.

Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95.' But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'God will provide the RAM, my son'.

God's Human DNA Code

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:

/* HUMAN_DNA.H * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * (C) God */

/* Revision history: */
0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from elephant-dna.c
0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made darker to match my own image.
2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of CD.

/* Standard definitions */
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian

/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper inheritance features. */
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif

/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */
#include

/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper library sometime soon. */
struct genitals {
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}

/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism to display at birth. * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);

...and so on. [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]

- Vicar: Whats that you're doing, Tommy?

- Tommy: Sticking bangers up frogs arses, Vicar.

- Vicar: Rectum, Tommy.

- Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!

Why did God create men first?
→ Because we learn from mistakes.

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"