Religion — most viewed jokes

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.

I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.

For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Who are Sven War, Ollie Famine, Piter Pestilence, and Jergi Death?
→ The four Norseman of the Apocolypse.

Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one is blind and the other appears normal. A couple of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He sees the guys and decides to have compassion on them. He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his sight is restored. He touches the man in the wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away. He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, 'Whoa, God! I'm on workman's comp!'

A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn't make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, "When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way."

A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

What did the Buddhist ask the pizza maker?
→ "Make me one with everything."

What is the difference in a Knights of Columbus and a Shriner?
→ A Knight is once a knight, always a Knight and the Shriners argue that once a night is enough for anyone!

3 dudes die a lawyer, police man, and a doctor at the pearly gates. The police man walks up 2 saint peter and says "I have put criminals away and stopped many crimes like murder, can I get into heaven?"

- Saint Peter: um sorry we're sorta having a party so no

The doctor walks up 2 saint peter and says "I have saved many lives and helped people feel better, can I get into heaven?"

- Saint Peter: nope we're kinda busy right now

The lawyer walks up and says "I've sued many people, can I get into heaven?"

- Saint Peter: sure come on in! join the party!

The police man and the doctor walk up to saint peter and ask "why'd he get in and not us?"

- Saint Peter: we dont get many of his kind around here.