Religion — most viewed jokes

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says: "You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter: "Wash both your hands and go in." Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St. Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks "What's going on?" One of them shouts "I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there."

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!" "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?
→ "The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark. They start raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!" The second one says, "This one does!"

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore, either."

An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away.

A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island.

One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. "Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby." The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies."

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel'".

What is the most religious insect?
→ A mosque-ito!