Relationships — most viewed jokes

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.....
→ without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
→ We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.....
→ you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
→ I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
→ I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
→ My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
→ I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
→ You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
→ I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
→ I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
→ Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
→ We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message: "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?"

In England they say "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?"
In France they say "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say "It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"

• 17: Need to wash my hair
• 25: Need to wash and condition my hair
• 35: Need to color my hair
• 48: Need to have Francois color my hair
• 66: Need to have Francois color my wig

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
• I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
• Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
• I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
• I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
• This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
• Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
• I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
• In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
• My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
• You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
• I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
• I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
• In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
→ When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate.

They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him: "Get out of our lives you rascal.

We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."

What's the difference between true love and herpes?
→ Herpes lasts forever.

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . . the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity."

Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said, "Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."

And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, "I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."