Relationships — most viewed jokes

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic."

What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made?
→ Once, when it was still in the factory.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
→ Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told!

What's a cow's favourite love song?
→ When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.

Two girls were talking in the corridor.

'That boy over there is getting on my nerves,' said Clarrie.

'But he's not even looking at you,' replied Clara.

'That's what's getting on my nerves,' retorted Clarrie.

- Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved.

- Assistant: Why don't you marry her?

- Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.

My ex-husband (or ex-wife) was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.

Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?"

"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl!"

- I've been invited to an avoidance.

- An avoidance? What's that?

- It's a dance for people who hate each other.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
→ Phone her.