Relationships — most viewed jokes

- I'm not rich like Jack, don't have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and want to marry you.

- I love you too, but what was that you said about Martin!

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing??!"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves himself.

My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
→ A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
→ This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
→ Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
→ Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
→ Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
→ Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
→ Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
→ Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

My husband has never given me an orgasm.
→ The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

How does an older woman keep her youth?
→ By giving him money!

- Young Actor: Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years.

- Father: Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part.

What is the most romantic city in England?
→ Loverpool!

I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge

In the blithe days of honeymoon,
With Kate's allurements smitten,
I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon,
And call'd her dearest kitten.

But now my kitten's grown a cat,
And cross like other wives.
O! By my soul my honest Mat,
I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire

For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy

Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy

Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy

I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy

I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

- My dance partner dumped me for my best friend.

- Why? Was he a better dancer?

- Don't know, I never met him.