Relationships — most viewed jokes

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The mathematician says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics."

1. Never eat at a place called Mom's
2. Never play cards with a man named 'Doc'
3. Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.

A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:

Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Condolances
Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.

Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together...
Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!

Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!

Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner...
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.

Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news...
Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.

Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love...
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!

Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife... I know we've had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!

Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!

I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger.

When I pointed this out to her, she said, "I know, I married the wrong man."

Why can't anyone stay angry long with an actress?
→ Because she always makes up.

- Girl Monster 1: I hear you've met the perfect guy.

- Girl Monster 2: Oh yes, he's a bad dream come true!

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
→ Exchange him.

The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, "Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?"

After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, "Well, I'm waiting."

And the guy takes a deep breath and says, "Well, I'm still counting."

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

- Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?

- Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...

- Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.

- Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.

- Three? When were they?

- Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?

- Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?

- Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?

- I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?

- Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?

What are the only two kinds of men?
→ Studs and duds.