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Advice From Men

Advice From Men To Women...

  • Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'...
  • If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it....
  • Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one....
  • Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials....
  • Please don't drive when you're not driving....
  • Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline....
  • The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!...
  • When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

The Mink Coat

A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier after having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills most exclusive restaurants.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!

There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

Genie And Mother-In-Law

A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.

The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.

The man says, "that's ok."

The man's next wish is for a house by the sea.

Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, "that's okay."

The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!

Economist Valentines

Top economist Valentine's Day cards:

  1. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
  2. Let's raise housing starts together.
  3. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
  4. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

Guide To Sex For Virgins

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you've ever wondered about.

Where can I find the man of my dreams?
→ This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

How do I know if I found Mr Right?
→ Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Do men like aggresive virgins?
→ Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

What if a man's married?
→ Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment.

But what if I fall in love with a married man?
→ This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters.

How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
→ Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Should I have sex on the first date?
→ YES. Before if possible.

What exactly happens during the act of sex?
→ Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

How long should the sex act last?
→ This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

What is "afterplay"?
→ After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Does the size of the penis matter?
→ Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

What about the orgasm?
→ What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Are you sure?
→ Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust experienced men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

The Man's Point System

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

  • You make the bed...+1
  • You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
  • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
  • You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings...+5
  • But return with beer ...-5
  • You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5
  • You pummel it with a six iron....+10
  • It's her father...-10
  • You leave the toilet seat up...-5
  • You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
  • When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
  • When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

  • You stay by her side the entire party...0
  • You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
  • Named Tiffany...-4
  • Tiffany is a dancer...-6
  • Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY

  • You take her out to dinner...0
  • You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
  • Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
  • And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
  • It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS

  • You forget her birthday completely...-20
  • You forget your anniversary...-30
  • You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45
  • Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50
  • And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

  • Go out with a pal ...-5
  • And the pal is happily married ...-4
  • Or frighteningly single ...-7
  • And he drives a Mustang...-10
  • With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
  • You have a few beers...-9
  • And miss curfew by an hour...-12
  • You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20
  • You get home at 3am...-30
  • You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...-40
  • And not wearing any pants...-50
  • Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT

  • You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...+5
  • She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late...+10
  • You wait up...+15
  • She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT

  • You take her to a movie...+2
  • You take her to a movie she likes...+4
  • You take her to a movie you hate...+6
  • You take her to a movie you like...-2
  • It's called DeathCop3...-3
  • Which features cyborgs having sex...-9
  • You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS

  • You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0
  • You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20
  • You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30
  • And she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE

  • You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
  • You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES

  • You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
  • Something she can't use...+10
  • Such as a motorized model airplane...-20
  • And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING

  • You let her tell you how to drive...+20
  • You let her mother tell you how to drive...+40
  • You lost the directions on a trip...-4
  • You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10
  • You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10
  • You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15
  • You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25
  • You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION

  • She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
  • You hesitate in responding...-10
  • You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION

  • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
  • When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5
  • You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
  • She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20

Guess Who

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Men Rewrite The Rules

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

  1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
  2. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
  3. It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
  4. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
  5. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
  6. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
  7. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

The Perfect Candidate

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

"I'm here about your ad," he says.

"You must be mistaken," she says.

"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."

"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"