Relationships — most viewed jokes

Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So... out looking for a little, huh ?"

She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm out looking for a lot !!!"

A naive young girl goes into the doctor's office. She says, "Doc, I'm getting married and I'm a little inexperienced, so I'd like to ask you a few questions."

He says, "All right."

She says, "All right... what is that thing that hangs between my fiancé's legs?"

The doctor says, "That's the penis. The male organ, the penis."

She says, "Okay. And what is that big red knob at the end?"

The doctor says, "That's the glans. The head of the penis, the glans."

She says, "Okay. And what are those two round things, about twelve inches behind the head?"

The doctor says, "Well, lady, I don't know about your fiancé, but on me, they're the cheeks of my ass."

Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

• I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
• I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
• I used to come here all the time with my ex.
• Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
• I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
• It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The wife simply sighed and replied, "Yes, dear, I know, but I was in love and didn't really notice."

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom. "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it out to her new husband.

As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked, "What, they don't use those things where you come from?"

"Yeah," she said, "but we don't skin 'em!"

Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?

Mr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?"

"I study the Torah," he replies.

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?"

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Schwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like. "Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.

One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.

About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. "Here", she said. "This came in the mail today".

The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
→ When the power goes off.