Redneck Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the jaw.

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" -- Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" -- Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Floppy" -- When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" -- How you got rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" -- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" -- First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" -- What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" -- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

"Mouse" -- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

"LAN" -- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" -- What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

"bit" -- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"packet" -- What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the farmer.

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey kid!" the farmer yells, "where ya goin' with that tape?"

"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape," says the kid, "this here's duck tape. I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" says the farmer.

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any old stick," says the kid, "this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," says the farmer, "I'll get my hat!"

Tips for Moving South...

Yee-Haw!

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, Have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck...

1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wresslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."
32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate"

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
11. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
12. The six front keys have rotted out.
13. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
14. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
15. The password is "Bubba".
16. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
17. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
18. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

You have just received the "Kentucky Virus"!!!

As we ain't got no programin' experience, this here Virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

You might be a redneck if. . .

• You think harass is two words.
• You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
• Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.
• Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
• You have more dogs than the local shelter.
• You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.
• Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
→ When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
→ It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God invent armadillos?
→ So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

- Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.

- Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?

- Baaaaa...