Political Jokes — most viewed jokes

- I hate paying my income tax.

- You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile?

- I'd like to but they insist on money

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
→ They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."

"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"

He said "about ten gallons."

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.

He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."

The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."

Bill declines and jogs onward.

The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."

The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."

Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"

She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."

How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
→ Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
→ None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.

What is a conservative?
→ A liberal who's been mugged.

Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"

And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."