Political Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
→ A mandate to govern.

You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
→ They get elected.

Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

- First surgeon: I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he does the work of five guys.

- Second surgeon: That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!

- Third surgeon: Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's putting this entire country out of work!

Early Texas governors were not very well educated. There was once a chief executive who thought "grammar" was his father's mother.

On one occasion this governor went hunting and forgot his gun. He phoned his secretary and asked him to send the gun.

"The phone connection's bad," said the secretary. "I couldn't catch that last word. Spell it."

The governor replied, "'G' like in Jesus; 'U' like in onion; 'N' like in pneumonia GUN, you damn fool!"

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

where does saddam hussein keep his c.d collection?
→ In Iraq (a rack)

Insensitive Term - Preferred Term

ETHNICITY

PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid

• Black- African-Canadian, (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE: LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE South AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE: PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)
• Oriental- Asian-Canadian (Note: Not Considered "REAL" Minorities since they tend to do well)
• Indian- Native-Canadian (NOTE: The following terms are no PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins, (Avoid these cities!)
• Chicano -Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man episodes, Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales, AVOID! AVOID!)
• White Trash-PC Unaware, Rustically Inclined
• WASP (white male)-insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

GENDER

(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)

• Woman- Womyn; Vaginal-Canadian
• Girl-Pre-Womyn
• Housewife-Domestic Engineer
• Fireman-Firefighter
• Stewardess-Flight Attendant
• Meter Maid-Parking Enforcement Adjudicator
• Post Man-Post Person Mail Man Person Person
• Policeman-Law Enforcement Officer; Baton Boy Cal. Clubber
• Prostitute-Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
• Mankind/Human-Earth Children
• Handicapped-Physically Challenged Differently Abled Handi-Capable
• Blind-Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive
• Deaf-Visually Oriented
• Poor-Economically Unprepared
• Bum-Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner
• Hunter-Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher
• Whaler-Blubber Lovers
• Old Person /Elderly-4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced
• Conservative-Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
• Drug Addict-Chemically Challenged
• Bald-Comb-Free
• Bisexual-Sexually Non-preferential
• Midget, Dwarf-Little People, Vertically Challenged
• Convict-Socially Separated
• Insane People-Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers
• Learning Disability-Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
• Tree-Hugger-Environmental Activist
• Logger-Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, Treeslayer
• Dead People-Dysfunctional Earth Children Biologically Challenged Metaphysically Challenged
• Broken Home-Dysfunctional Family
• HouseBroken-Family Dysfunction
• Cattle Ranch-Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz"
• Senile Bag o'Bones-Alzheimer's Victim
• Ghetto/Barrio-(EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
• Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
• Hamburger-Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
• Cheeseburger-Adding Insult to Injury
• Cheating (in School)-Academic Dishonesty
• Used Books-Recycled Books
• Trees-Oxygen Exchange Units
• Gang-Youth Group
• Slum-(EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
• Obese- People of Mass Gravitationally Challenged
• Delicatessen- Corpse Farm Charnel House

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!"

• It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
• It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist.
• Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, ... "Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call 'Teds, or Hales!'"