Political Jokes — most viewed jokes

• George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore
• Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
• Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
• Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
• The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
• Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em
• Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
• Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
• Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's
• A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
• The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
• Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
• President Clinton of the USA: It can be rearranged into: To Copulate he finds

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

"This is a great day for France!" --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" --George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks." --George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." --Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is." --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." --William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." --George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." --Ronald Reagan

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." --Dan Quayle

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." --Ronald Reagan

Great Moments In Political Debates

- Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.

- Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.

Foreign Goofs

"Bite the wax tadpole." -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." -- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"I am a jelly doughnut" -- English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

"We pray for MacArthur's erection." -- sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." -- Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

Miscellaneous

"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that." --Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States." --Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." --correction printed in The Daily Californian

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?" --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

What has dual airbags and has lots of room?
→ The White House.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Tree Hugger Barbie ...pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric

Rumors have been circulating regarding what the troopers were shouting after they found the man hiding Elian Gonzalez in a closet during the raid of the house that was illegally holding him.

Some people claim they were shouting, "Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!" Others claim it was "Score! Score! Score!"

But the real truth is, when the trooper ripped open the closet door and was brought face to face with the fisherman holding Elian, he shouted, "Drop the chalupa!"

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

• The English language is not to be spoken.
• You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
• You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
• You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.
• It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
• In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.
• Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
• Kites may not be flown within the city limits.
• It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.
• Spitting is forbidden.
• It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.
• One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.
• Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.
• Cars may not be driven through the town.
• Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.
• A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.
• It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
• Bowling is forbidden.
• It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
• It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundries from sundown to sunrise.
• It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.
• There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.
• It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.
• Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.
• A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow.
• Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.
• Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland's streets.
• Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.
• There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.
• You may not own a handgun.
• It is against the law to make faces at dogs.
• No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.
• Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.
• Trucks may only park inside closed garages.
• Basketball hoops may not be instaled on a driveway.
• It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.

A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?
→ Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
• You may not drive barefooted.
• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• Masks may not be worn in public.
• Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
• Incestous marriages are legal.
• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.
• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
• Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
• Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
• Mobile: It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
• Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)