Political Jokes — most viewed jokes

Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.

A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.

Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.

Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.

The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.

Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien)

A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski.

More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel.

Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)

Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher)

Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.

Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee.

And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)

The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark."

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.

"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.

"Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened.

"The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..

"The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.

"The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain.

"The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.

"I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."

Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?"

"Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."

In a deal engineered by veteran mouthpieces Stein and Cacheris, Ms. Lewinsky has apparently headed off possible perjury charges by offering a full throated confession to Kenneth Starr. Sources close to the investigation report Starr is pumping Ms. Lewinsky for details concerning an oral pact with Mr. Clinton to withhold evidence. Although the independent prosecutor's team will drill Monica prior to her testimony, beltway observers do not anticipate a full dress rehearsal.

• 40: Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
• 35: Italian cars don't start.
• 32: Water freezes.
• 30: You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless.
• 25: Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.
• 20: Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath.
• 15: N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.
• 12: You plan a vacation to Mexico.
• 10: Too cold to snow
• 5: You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
• 3: You plan a vacation in Houston.
• 0: Too cold to skate. American cars don't start.
• -5: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
• -10: Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
• -15: Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
• -20: You plan a 2-week hot bath.
• -25: The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don't start.
• -30: Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button...
• Below -30: The kids call home from college.

End of the world...

Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.

Sincerely,
The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Martinez, California:
Gus Kramer faces an unusual challenge in his race for county assessor: His opponents would rather see a dead man elected.

Kramer's only rival in the Contra Costa County race, Dan Hallissy, died of a heart attack April 10 -- too late for anyone else to run.

But Hallissy's name will remain on the ballot for the June 7 nonpartisan primary. And the incumbent assessor is working to get him elected.

Voters should have "a chance to elect an honest, experienced person to this office," said assessor John Biasotti.

A Hallissy victory would force a special election next March, open to any candidate.

U.S. Representative Bill Baker, a Republican, also is backing the posthumous effort. His spokesman said voters should have a choice.

Kramer, who briefly stopped campaigning to mark Hallissy's death, decried the effort as a "classical case of cronyism." He said his opponents "want the taxpayer to blow $800,000," about the cost of a special election.

Kramer also bristled at the charge he's unfit for the job, citing his experience as city clerk for Martinez and as a real estate agent for the county's Public Works Department.

The assessor's office is responsible for estimating property values in the 830,000-person county, 30 miles east of San Francisco. The job pays $84,000 a year.

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington DC this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.

After fifteen minutes speaking he says: 'I will now answer any questions you have.' Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning, Mr Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.' A little girl called Julie stands up and says: 'I have six questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?

What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored?
→ They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.