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Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss

• Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
• Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
• Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
• Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
• Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
• Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
• Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
• Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
• Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
• Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
• Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
• Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
• Mine his bathroom.
• Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".
• Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
• Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
• Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
• Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
• Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
• Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
• Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
• Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
• Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
• At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
• Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
• Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
• Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
• Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
• Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
• Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
• Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
• Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
• Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
• Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
• Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
• Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
• Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
• Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
• They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
• Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
• Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
• Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
• Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".
• Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
• Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
• Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
• Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
• Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
• Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
• When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To escape an oppressive military regime.

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"
And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them. They called Congress and asked them to vote on a method of determining each General's early retirement bonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to measure between and then each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.

They called in the first General. He decide to have them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.

The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.

The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of his balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants. The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the measurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, where are your balls!!"

With a smile the General said, "I left them in Vietnam."

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Chicago Tribune

William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."

"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"

He said "about ten gallons."

Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth Hospital
Washington D.C.

Dear John,

Hillary and I just wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness. Therefore, we want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We are well aware of how mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident you will soon make a complete recovery, and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive citizen.

Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
President
United States of America

P.S. Just thought you might like to know, Ken Starr is fucking Jodie Foster.