Police Jokes — most viewed jokes

"I'm fed up with your jealousy," the furious wife told her husband.

"Do you think I don't realize you're having me followed by a detective who's tall, blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little shy at first?"

- When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.

- You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked."

A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking it was obvious).

"You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading" she replies.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up" the warden says.

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you!" says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

We have a young married couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.

There was a blonde driving a ferrari. A cop pulls her over for speeding, the cop asks, "can I see your license and registration please!"

The blonde responds, "license and registration what is that?"

The cop respnds, "you will find your license in your purse and registration in your glove compartment."

The cop gets the license and registration and goes back to the car, and he calls dispatcher and reports it. The dispatcher replies, "this wouldnt be a blonde in a ferrari would it?" The cop replies, "yes it is." The dispatcher says, "go back to her car and drop your pants."

The cop responds back, "I cant do that!" The dispatcher says, "trust me, just do it!" then the cop replies, "ok whatever you say!"

So he walks back to her car, and drops his pants. The blonde turns around and says, "oh no, not another breathalizer test!"

How many cops does it take to change light bulb?
→ Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
→ Only one, but he has to see an officer do it first.
→ Three, one to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say "Show's over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along."

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.

"YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.

"Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.

"An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians